A day like today

Today has not been a good day.

I’m actually writing this on the back of a giant panic attack so I can really describe how I feel at the current time. My OCD has been seething and simmering since the day began and reached boiling point just an hour ago. Even as I’m writing this I am going back to the start of the sentence to make sure that what I have written is correct and I have now done it so many times that I am exhausted after writing a mere three sentences. These are the days where I don’t so much as want to cry for help but bellow into cyberspace; one loud guttural cry of pain and anguish to get it all out of my system. But of course, even crying about my OCD is pointless sometimes.

There are days like this where I find myself reading the label of a bottle of juice one hundred times before I take a sip, where washing my hands turns into a one hour task and where I just don’t know where I want to be. I’m perfectly lucid and to be honest that disappoints me in a way, sometimes I would much rather not be conscious of my OCD but then again, if that were the case I would perhaps be more of a burden on my poor husband.

Physically I’m in very bad shape; the pain from the trapped nerve in my neck is thrumming and groaning, sending shooting pains through my shoulder and arm. Given the level of my anxiety today, the acid in my stomach is churning so badly that I feel like I’m going to vomit. Its days like these when another force in my head comes into play. As well as the benevolent Brian in my head, logical and calm, fighting against Fred, my brain’s OCD health and safety officer – there is also another force that only really comes into power when I’m feeling really down. 

This third force makes Malcolm Tucker from The Thick Of It seem like Kermit the Frog. When I’m trying desperately to drink something or to do anything and I get into a loop I have this voice in my head raging with anger at me and how weak I am that I can’t even sit down without leaping up to make sure that I am sitting on a chair or that I can’t drink some juice without reading the label over and over. “You’re useless!” yells this voice in my head “You’re never going to get better! You’re just a burden and a waste!” and even Fred and Brian cower in my head making Fred even more fastidious, worried that he may lose his imaginary job and Brian just disappears so my brain is filled with self loathing mixed with anxiety and a heightened sense of self awareness. I find it difficult to breathe. All at once I can feel every molecule of my body and yet when I look at things or touch things I feel unreal and that I have no sensation at all. Everything I have tried to do today has ended up with me getting into a continuous OCD loop.

I watch my life as if it were a movie, watching but not really participating while the more substantial part of my personality is dragged to the far recesses of myself, forced to view terrible traumas with lid locked eyes while asleep and mentally poked, prodded and taunted by day. I do everything right; I do my mental exercises, try to resist my compulsions and keep calm but while I look outwardly normal as people pass me on the street, my mind is a seething cauldron of anxiety, neuroses and brutal horrible fears. Suppressing the thoughts just serves to make them worse, more visceral and often more visual. 

While my body is participating in the movie of the day in a calm as watching paint dry way it seems so odd that my brain is so frantic. I crave peace, I crave silence for just a short while at least, I crave oblivion but know that is not the answer.

You see OCD patients on the TV and of course they are racked with anxiety, cleaning and straightening but what you rarely see is the crippling debilitating chain of thoughts that lead to hysteria. You never see the harrowing visual mock hallucinations manifested by one thought generating from another until fear and anxiety collide in your head and all you can do is hide. 

Nowhere feels safe, even your safe place feels polluted and dirty but it is the best your degrading mind can offer given the terrifying circumstances. Nothing feels safe, you feel like you may never feel normal again and perhaps I won't? Everything is a constant struggle. When I eat I examine every morsel that is to pass my lips, I feel simply awful in restaurants if I have to leave food as I don't remember the staff handing it to me (or rather my brain does remember but constantly hassles me to tell me that I'm wrong). Any food in a packet, bottle, packaging etc has to be examined in minute detail to ensure it is sealed and it almost feels as if I have forgotten how to read as I try desperately to read and reread the labels on food and the words dance around before my eyes. My life is exhausting even when I do nothing.

I'm a constant burden to my poor put upon husband but with little movement in my progress I need so much help that it affects our relationship. I want him to see me as a strong sexy beautiful wife but all he probably sees is someone struggling, ugly and contorted in pain and suffering - not exactly attractive eh?

I tell myself that I will get better, that this shouty force (that I am going to call M after the sweary spin doctor Malcolm Tucker) will get tired at some point and I will be mercifully free from it for a while. And I will. I have been better in the past and I am sure that I will again but it is just days like this that are somewhat hard to cope with.

I wanted to write this while I felt the emotions to try and show what it can be like on the bad days. While this post may not be amusing or entertaining I believe that it is important to write even on the bad days. I’m down at the moment and thankfully not depressed. If I were depressed I’m almost certain that I would not be able to write this at all.

I will improve, I will. It’s just that some days are a lot harder than others and sometimes for little reason. I tell myself it is hormones, time of the month or the fact that it is my birthday at the end of the week and I’ll be veering towards 40 rather than being closer to 30. The truth is that there is no reason for my mood today. Some days are just hard and hopefully tomorrow will be better. Until then, I will fight through my OCD today and hope with all my heart for a brighter tomorrow. Keep fighting, I know I will.