If someone gave me a machine that would give me the option
of allowing someone to feel exactly the way I feel, would I use it freely to
prove my point? The answer is no, I wouldn’t subject anyone to the tirade of
terror inflicted upon me by my barrel of laughs OCD companion Fred as it would
be inhumane. So why do I have to put up with it? I decided to try out some
relaxation techniques.
Now, before I start, some things haven’t worked for me but
that doesn’t mean they are not worth trying so don’t take my experiences as
recommendations or advice not to try. I am just a cynical old bugger these days
and I have tried things that I have thought might even be ludicrous but have
perhaps helped a little. In saying that, I would avoid activities that may want
to take vast amounts of cash from you while offering little in return. So,
common sense should be applied as always.
The first time I ever really decided with any determination
to try a relaxation technique was over a decade ago. I was undergoing therapy
and, as I had raging insomnia at the time, I was given a relation tape to try.
Now, not realising at the time, my OCD as pretty bad and I felt that despite
trusting my counsellor I still wanted to hear what the tape had to say before
undergoing sleepy therapy. I mean, what if it told me to take off my clothes
and run down the street clucking like a chicken? Would I be hypnotised to sing “Have
a banana!” when people mentioned not getting their 5 a day? With a healthy dose
of fear I listened to the relaxation tape for the first time on both sides
(That’s an hour I would never get back as I was tensely listening to every word
to make sure that no hypnotism was involved) and satisfied myself that there
was no skulduggery going on, I lay gently on a comfy bed in a warm room and
played the tape through my cassette walkman (yep, it was that long ago).
I performed each action that the tape outlined and felt the
difference in the feeling of my tensed muscles and relaxed muscles, it was all
very soothing. Feeling that I was getting somewhere with this relaxation lark I
laid my head back a little too sharply and the curtain behind me, whose pole
was attached by blue tack or something similar, fell onto my head! All manner
of relaxation wasn’t going to take the pain out of my now bruised head! I
groaned (a bit) and swore (a lot) and all the while the lady on the tape is
telling me that I am surrounded by comforting warmth and that I am safe. I
suppose I was other than the glancing blow from the curtain pole. I sadly took
this to be a bad sign and didn’t partake in relaxation for a number of years
after that.
Coming to my senses later in life I was advised to learn an
instrument as it is a peaceful and wonderful pastime. I agree but it is not so
peaceful for flatmates, partners etc so I had to curb that one a little. ‘Yoga’
I was told while at work ‘Yoga works wonders to relax you’ so I tried that.
At this moment I am sadly significantly overweight but at
the time I was fairly bendy – I dread to think how I would even attempt yoga
these days. Anyhoo, several years ago I booked myself into a yoga class and,
not wanting to humiliate myself in front of friends and well as the strangers
in front of which I would be invariably embarrassing myself, I went alone. I
was so confused at one point on how to do a particular move that the instructor
came along and tried to explain to me how to breathe correctly. I tried not to
be cynical but Brian in my head was saying “I’ve been breathing all this time,
surely I’m doing it right?” whereas Fred in my head was in an all out panic
yelling “Have we been breathing wrong all our life??? Have we been doing it
wrong? Oh no, it’s going to take ages to find out how to do it right!” and part
of me started thinking that perhaps my breathing was really bad and that everyone
else was better at it than me which served to make me panic more. I tried the
breathing techniques but I became so aware of my breathing that I either
stopped and then gasped for breath or I forgot what to do altogether. My mind
and body are not designed for concentrating on something I do naturally and
trying to pull my body into a complex position. I can reassure you now that,
you are breathing fine but with yoga there are specific ways to breathe in
order to get the maximum out of the relaxation.
Another problem I had with yoga was that, at the end, the
instructor put on some music, switched off the lights and promptly left the
room. I lay, on my odd smelling foam mat, on my back on the floor with the
chanting music playing in a room full of around 20 people and my brain wouldn’t
shut up for a single second.
My first thought was “I’ll bet she has gone out
for a cigarette. Man, I’d love a cigarette right now” (I smoked at the time)
and then Fred piped up in my head in full volume “Where are your keys? Or your
phone? You know they are at the other side of the room. There’s a person over
there right next to them who could be stealing them right now? You do know that
don’t you????” whereas Brian was calm but pensive saying “What is this music?
Do you think that lady is going to come back? How long do we lay here for?”
Frankly the whole session became pointless due to my constant worries at the
end.
Try Pilates said friends. So I did. I went to a Pilates
class and immediately found that I was the least bendy person in the world. At
one point the instructor, who was a lovely lady but with very firm hands, came
around to me and started trying to edge me into the correct positions – one of
which I had to actually be physically helped out of. I’m sure that Pilates is
great for some people but, as I had to be manually twisted into some positions,
I don’t think it is for me.
When I was unemployed the company working with the Jobcentre
to provide courses and help you to get back into employment gave me the option of a
relaxation course. Basically it was using a relaxation CD in a large room with other people to help you imagine
being in a serene and beautiful setting and there were a group of us in similar
circumstances so that was quite helpful. However, the journey there and back,
despite it being a mere mile or so, was so stressful that it became difficult
for me to attend. When I was there it was very relaxing but then I found myself
worrying that I had shouted in the middle of the session or that on the way out
perhaps I had insulted someone and I couldn’t convince myself that I hadn’t
(even though I knew that I hadn’t) so I stopped going altogether.
OCD has this little trick where sometimes, while crossing a
road for example I might worry that I have been run over. Even though I know
that I haven’t I start thinking that perhaps I have been run over and that I am
a ghost. I’ve talked to a lot of psychologists, OCD sufferers and medical staff
who say that this is part of the anxiety – this depersonalisation can make you
feel very unreal. If I am on my own this can be particularly anxiety inducing
as I start thinking that maybe I am a ghost (even though I don’t actually
believe in ghosts) and that no one can see me. It doesn’t help in the modern
world where few people make eye contact and, as this would often occur on my
way home from the relaxation class, you can imagine that this somewhat cancelled
it out.
True relaxation can be hard to achieve and strangely one of
the only times that my shoulders sink down to a vaguely relaxed state is when I
am at the dentist. Odd I know but I think that all the cleanliness around me
and the fact that my dentist is really calming all culminates in some actual
periods of relaxation. Obviously when she gets the drill out and starts pummelling
away at my teeth it is a different story and it is not a long term solution for
me to pitch up at my dentist’s office each day and demand that she lull me into
calm.
One thing that I have found that gives me some sort of
relief is photography. Don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near professional and
so even calling what I do ‘photography’ is possibly a vast insult to
photographers so I apologise but I really love taking photos of wild birds.
There is something that eases my mind when staring through the lens (or in my
case LCD screen) at a beautiful bird or a scampering animal that few other
activities really reach for me.
As well as natural relaxation techniques I have, of course,
over the years been driven to taking medical means to relax but to be honest I
haven’t found anything that made my muscles feel all gooey and nice but I have
found that anti-psychotics have improved the intrusive thoughts and often
knocked me out so have served as some way of getting a little release from OCD
but as my body gets used to them even they seem to lose their benefit.
With something as intense and constant as OCD it can be
difficult to relax I grant you but it is always worth trying some things to get
some relief. Whether it is massage that works for you (the last massage I had
made me want to shout at the person as it was a deep tissue massage for my
tense muscles due to a trapped nerve but obviously experiences will differ!) or
relaxation exercises or yoga or Pilates or sitting on a beach listening to the
waves; many things are worth a try to achieve that level of melty brain
goodness.
So I continue with my quest for relaxation, despite my
cynical mind, and while you probably won’t find me in the downward dog position
in a hurry, you may just find me behind a camera listening to the bird song and
attempting to take amazing pictures. Well, I can hope...
No comments:
Post a Comment