Back to Life: The Weirdo With The Gloves

As part of my recovery from OCD, depression and agoraphobia I decided that exercise classes were definitely the way to go for me. If I just spend time in the gym I feel unstructured and I just stand around, bedraggled amongst the beautiful people, doing exercises that I see other people do or pounding the treadmills until I'm slick with sweat and feeling on the road to nowhere. Then one day, while walking through a local park, I came across a club advertising a range of exciting classes to suit all ages and fitness levels, a great place in Edinburgh called North Merchiston Club. I examined the boards, filled with interesting and unusual activities and decided to go to my first exercise class in many years...

Swing Train - Aerobics and dance to Swing music

The first time I ventured into this class, I didn't really know what to expect and I didn't know anyone so was pretty anxious. I worried that I might perform the steps wrong and everyone might point and laugh or that I would fall over (Which to be honest I did at one point but that was almost a year in and is a story for another time!). Just after I entered the room I felt so anxious that I feared I might be sick. There were several women of various ages standing around with bottles of water, chattering to each other jovially. I was welcomed in by the instructor who gave me lots of information about the class and what to expect and with that we began the class. As I wear gloves virtually most of the time due to my fear of dirt and germs, I was conscious that people were curious as to why I was wearing gloves to a class in June when the weather was already clammy. To be fair, I'm sort of used to the "I wonder why she's wearing gloves" look and for the most part I tend to be as straightforward as possible and mention my OCD so I did to several of the ladies and everyone was mercifully kind. I'm so self conscious, I kept worrying my jogging trousers would fall down or I'd accidentally shout something or crash into someone. My OCD voice was screaming in my head 'Everyone thinks you're a weirdo! You've punched people in the class! Everyone hates you!' and it's unsurprisingly difficult to concentrate on what you're supposed to be doing with your limbs when your head is so noisy.

I loved the class from the very start, I've been to lots of aerobics classes over the years but Swing Train was a welcome shake up to the format. We learned routines to various classic songs such as 'Putting on the Ritz' and 'Green Onions' and, whilst it takes me a few classes to really master some of the steps, I found myself dancing around the room with the kind of confidence that I hadn't seen in myself for a long long time. I was around 16 stone when I began the class back in June 2018 and, over the weeks and months that followed, I started to see my weight lift and my confidence soar. As I dance around the hall, I feel like I'm practising for Strictly, cha cha-ing and charlestoning with all of my heart. We sometimes stand in a chorus line, each of us dancing as if we are going to be stars someday, we just need that one shot at dancing success! The ladies are warmly accepting and the instructor comprehensively goes through the moves for each dance so everyone can practise the steps before the music begins. The class has me always going back for more.

After each class, my husband would pick me up and we'd sometimes go for a walk before going home if the weather permitted. Over the past month or so I've actually been able to walk home alone as part of my therapy and while that has been difficult for me sometimes, I'm managing for now.

Once I'd become accustomed to going to classes, I decided to try out a slightly different class...

Zumba - Dancing and aerobics to some funky beats

I first tried out a Zumba Gold class as my fitness wasn't exactly perfect at that time and Zumba Gold was a toned down version of Zumba with some amazing music but with a slower pace. The instructor is a smiley, friendly lady who embodies happiness, her enthusiasm is infectious and makes you work that little bit harder as you watch her expertly perform each dance. I went to this class with a neighbour of mine so I wasn't on my own for a change. I threw myself into the class and by the end of it I was drenched in sweat but grinning from ear to ear. I don't know about anyone else but, during a Zumba class I get the most tremendous endorphin rush, a feeling of sheer ecstacy that, for a short period of time anyway, calms my OCD voice. Sadly the feeling doesn't last long as my OCD will throw something into my brain that completely distracts me from what I'm doing. For example, during one Zumba class, because I have to watch the instructor to work out what I'm supposed to do with my feet and arms, my OCD voice whispered in my ear 'The instructor thinks you're a creepy weirdo because you keep looking at her'. This threw me a bit and I started to feel horribly self conscious, I was worried what expression was on my face - was I pulling a strange face? Is my mouth lolling open and what am I doing with my eyebrows?? I became so anxious that, as I was looking at the ladies' feet in front of me when I couldn't see the instructor through the crowd, my brain kept saying 'You're looking at their feet but everyone thinks you're looking at their bums, you're a weirdo'. Even though I knew I was looking at feet, I was aware that I don't know anyone in the class and maybe they do think I'm a creepy person staring at their bums. On several occasions this fear has overwhelmed me and I've been shaking afterwards but the thing is that I love the class, I love the music and it's another chance for me to dance and throw my arms around in sheer abandon and for that reason alone, I fight my OCD every step of the way.

As it always gives me such a massive high, I started to realise that I'm essentially addicted, going back every time for that feeling of happiness and, for a few moments at least, a sense of peace and tranquility from my mental health problems. I suppose when it comes down to it, it's not a bad thing to be addicted to, I've been addicted to worse things. As well as my OCD thoughts, I've found that when I'm dancing around in a class, I frequently have 'naked lunch' moments where I stop for a moment and think 'what on earth must I look like??' or I have random thoughts that creep into my brain that are completely unrelated to anything. These thoughts have ranged from 'I wonder who first thought about keying a car?', 'In TV shows, if two characters are chatting about something then they go to another location and start chatting about the same thing, what do they talk about on the journey? Do they not mention the subject until they're at the second location?' or 'Does anyone else not have much control over their three smallest toes or is it just me?'. As you can imagine, the endorphin high that clears my mind when it's conjuring up thoughts like these is somewhat a relief! No matter how brief the quiet. I continue to attend these classes and, as with Swing, my weight has dropped with every sweaty dance session I enjoy.

With my confidence boosted by dance classes, I decided to try something a little different. With my fears of harm to others, I started to think that perhaps I should look at how it feels to hit things and in this way I would know the feeling and my brain might realise that I'm not doing it to other people. With this in mind, I went onto my next class.

Kickboxing - Learning the correct techniques to kicking and punching, increase stamina and improve belief in my own strength

When I first began this class, I had in mind my goals and I needed to find out how to achieve them. My main aims were to improve my fitness, strengthen my body particularly my upper body and to use the techniques to help me gain confidence in myself and show my OCD a thing or two. Our instructor, Metin Tuncay, is a friendly, highly skilled and encouraging gentleman who knows how to get the best out of you. There are various people in the class; some want to learn the full range of kickboxing skills and gain their belts, some want to become instructors and then there are people like me who are there for the fitness aspect of the sport. For every person, our instructor tailors the class to their needs so we each get out of it what we need, it's like having a personal trainer as he walks around the class giving us tips and helping us to perfect each move.

In the first class, I didn't even know how to fully make a fist, my thumb was in entirely the wrong position and I was terribly nervous but Metin was so supportive and the other people in the class welcomed me with open arms so that helped me a great deal. In order to build strength we also perform circuits; lifting weights, sit ups, stretches etc for a minute at a time before advancing to the next station. In the original few classes I was exhausted even in the warm up but I persevered. While some of the class was circuits, there was the option to spar or to practise technique with another member of the class or to work on the punch bag. I strangely seem to have some sort of untapped rage as I am particularly fond of laying into the punch bag with great aplomb! I always thought that I was reasonably well co-ordinated limb-wise but with each technique there are several things that each part of your body should be doing and I have found that trying to punch correctly, twist my body and step forward on one foot whilst staying on my toes is a little like patting your head and rubbing your tummy! However, it is uniquely satisfying when I get it right. A gentleman in the class said "Learning to do all of the different things you do with your body in the techniques, it's like driving in a way" and I replied "Hmm, problem with that is that I can't drive!" :-)

After every class my OCD was incredibly noisy, telling me that I have harmed those in the class, but week after week these thoughts actually started to ease, knowing the feeling of punching an inanimate object has gone some way to persuading my brain that I am not a violent, fighting machine when I'm simply walking along a street. I'm not saying that the thoughts or feelings have vanished entirely but it has been of great help to me not only physically but mentally too. Also, as well as the exercise aspects, I have also been able to begin making friends again and this was something I was finding hard. Who really wants to be friends with a person who constantly worries they are harming people? Well, it turns out that people are much more understanding than I could ever have hoped, and explaining my condition has not completely put people off speaking to me so that is one less worry for me.

Each of the classes I was attending was providing me with different and very important skills and mental resilience but after years of being overweight and feeling frumpy, I decided to go to a class that might make me feel like a sexy woman again.

Burlesque Chair Dance - Learning to dance and shimmy with kind and supportive ladies

This was another class that I went to entirely alone and knowing little about what I would be doing. I knew that it would involve a chair for some routines but not much else. I went dressed as I would for other classes, a t-shirt and jogging trousers, but saw that while some were dressed in similar attire, a few of the ladies in the classes wore fishnet tights and leotards. I was so envious that I didn't have the courage to wear the same and I was again self conscious of my body. Losing weight is fantastic yes, but it does leave behind its mark, in my case I have flabby legs and stomach so thought that I would never brave sexy clothing to the class.

I introduced myself to the instructor, told her a little about myself, including my OCD then asked what I was to do. Our instructor is a confident and sassy woman, both in name and in personality, a lady who can show you how to really work your body to not only make you feel like a confident and sassy woman too, but to also strengthen muscles that you never knew you had.

We started the warm up sitting astride chairs and then moved onto the routine for the week. I never realised that you could do so many moves with merely a chair; One minute I was throwing my legs over the back of the chairs and the next I was perched atop of the cushioned seat, throwing my arms around before leaping to the floor. Our sassy instructor walked us through several of the moves, repeating each section two or three times, then we moved onto performing them together at speed and then to the music before moving to the next section of poses for the music track. Once we knew the moves for the entire track, the music would begin and we all shimmied, shoogled and stretched our limbs long, feeling like sexy dancers in the spotlight of a burlesque club. It really was a revelation to me, I suppose I didn't really know what to expect from the class, I went there wanting to gain more confidence in myself and, after several years of feeling unattractive and invisible due to my OCD and weight, I could dance with abandon as if I were truly a sexy lady. The other women in the class didn't judge me and were so very supportive that, after several weeks I decided to come to class dressed in costume. As Christmas was coming, some of the ladies would dress up as Santa, elves and even as a reindeer so I bought a Mrs Santa dress and went along to the class wearing that, I was still a little self conscious so I wore leggings underneath but it was fun to dress up for the first time in a long time. It was some weeks after this I decided to take the plunge and dress as some of the other girls in the class did...

Gaining such inspiration from the other confident and outgoing ladies and buoyed by my huge weight loss (I'd lost six stone by this point), I went online and purchased an outfit to wear for the next class. Helped by my husband, as there was no way to scoop myself into the outfit alone, I finally went to class wearing something other than my jogging trousers and large t-shirt. I stepped into class that night wearing frilly shorts, fishnet tights and a corset and I felt amazing. The ladies in the class and the instructor were so pleased for me, clapping and whooping appreciatively, I felt so brave and owning my inner sex kitten. That night I danced so happily, stretching my limbs and pointing my toes sharp, walking just that wee bit taller all because I finally felt like an attractive woman again rather than the worried, flustered mess that my OCD usually leaves me in. I still had intrusive thoughts in class and I constantly worried what everyone thought of me but this was a class where I could happily wear my gloves and no one thought anything of it. As we use props from time to time for Burlesque routines, wearing gloves doesn't make me stick out like a sore thumb so I never felt too awkward. This is a class where you can be whoever you want to be and, at least for an hour a week, I get to be a sexy, sensual woman who dances like everyone is watching :-)

At the start of 2018, I had never really thought about how I would re-enter the real world after having spent many years trapped in my own home and my own mind. I knew that at some point I would have to start interacting with people again but I didn't really know how to go about it. I'd not spent any time with friends for a long time and my only contact with the outside world was my husband, psychologist, doctor and psychiatrist. Attending regular exercise classes not only helped me with my mental therapy and physical strength but helped me to really get to know people again and how to interact with the world after so much isolation. Even though my brain still churns out ridiculous thoughts and sometimes comical scenarios, I know the world once again and, through every class I am taking another step towards being me, the old me before my mental health locked me away. I may still be the weirdo with the gloves but I have a smile on my face and more confidence in my recovery so, whatever happens next, bring it on! :-)